Looking up a bit.

Hello again. So I talked to my friend. Things are doing a lot better. She has apologized for what she said...and we cried and everything. Probably the reason why I have a migraine, and not really doing anything for New Year's.

Things as people can probably tell have been really hard would be the best word. But I talked to my doctor, and he said that I was experiencing PPD (Postpartum Depression). So I have been put on Zoloft. So I don't know if it will work. I don't know if it will help. But I am willing to try anything right now...to try and make things better.

But I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!!

XOXO
Sarah

Friends, and life.

Friend making has always been hard for me. I am not sure why, it just always was. I am a pretty genuine person, and I tell it how it is. I don't usually sugar coat it. I am loyal to the end...which, has been a downfall of mine. I cannot always tell when people are using me, and taking advantage of me. I am just learning it is okay to let go. Which is not easy. Not for me.

I don't know what to do. I have a friend who accused me of something pretty horrific. Nothing I would ever do, because I consider her one of my best friends...And I don't do things like she accused me of. I just feel like she should know me better than that. I don't get it. I have been nothing but loyal. I am not sure what to do. She believes me now, but the fact that I was even accused of it really hurts. Really bad.

Also, the rest of my life just feels like it is going to shambles around me. The only thing holding me together anymore, is Garrett and Gideon. And I can only thank God everyday that I have them to keep my spirits up. Because...I don't know what to do without them. All I can ask is that people pray for me. Pray that everything is okay.

XOXO
Sarah

Christmas

So the weather is finally getting better. I don't think I have ever been so happy to see rain in all my life as I was yesterday!! And our power went out...Thanks God that it was not as long as Shayna's. But still I am a wimp, so we went to my parents and spent the night!! It was nice, because I had not really been outside my apartment for a week...can you say CABIN FEVER??!!

And now, Christmas has come and gone...and it doesn't feel like it was really here. I am already missing the Christmas music and everything. On Christmas day, Cameron and I built a snowman...it was 6 foot 1 inches. We named him Ned. He was really heavy!! We also made a trip to Gary's Grandparents house...We opened some of our presents with them.

It was interesting. We didn't have much. I will just say that. Gary and I have not had a ton of money, because he has been taking days off work. So our budget was really tight. Gideon, really did not get anything from us, because when we got out and went shopping, the one thing I wanted was all sold out. At like 3 different stores. It was Very frustrating. Because it was all I wanted for him. Just a simple little glow worm.

I feel like the holidays are going away as I get older. Like they go too fast, and there is not enough time. It is like Christmas should be several days...not just one. Which I would be okay with. Then you get around to seeing all the people that you need to before the days are over.

Things were so busy and hectic this year, with all the stupid snow, that we could not even get together on Christmas eve with the rest of the family. Like my cousins and stuff. So tomorrow we are getting together and having a big get together. Which is nice, because it just would not have felt like Christmas without that!! So we also get to wear our Christmas outfits...which is nice, I have stuff for both my kids, and Gary. I cannot wait.

Well, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!!

XOXO
Sarah

Resentment...

Have any of you ever felt resentment or anger at your significant other? Have you ever been angry that you cannot give your partner or your children the holiday they deserve. Or just plain that you wanted them to have? Now don't get me wrong. I know that Christmas is not all about gifts. And my children will know that too. But, I will be honest. I am pissed. I am so angry because Gary has not been going to work, that now, I can't get family pictures taken. It would be Gideon's first. And I can't even buy stocking suffers, or a few small gifts for my kids. Yes, they will get things from other family member's. But, what about us?? What about our gifts? This is the first Christmas that Garrett is really going to start to understand any of it...and just plain Gideon's first. I don't know what to do.

I feel...a little betrayed. Because, first it is Christmas...then it is going to be, "oh we can't afford a house." I have been here before. After it is "oh we can't by a house," It is going to be "Lee needs help with his business in Idaho." That is not going to work. First off, I don't want to live in Idaho. Second, Lee can't pay his 3 workers as it is...but yet he is still pushing Gary to come work for him. I have 2 kids. I cannot have that. I cannot live with a job where we may or may not get paid that month. But his mother, will just say, "Lee will do what he can to take care of you, and wel-fare is so much easier to come by here so you will be okay." She has honestly said that to me more than once. Do you have no self confidence?!

I honestly don't know what to do. This is my second post of the day...and well...all this came to me because Gary and I got in a fight when he called on lunch. I feel bad for my kids. I feel bad that I can't do more for them this Christmas. But at the same time, I feel like I am being selfish. GAH!! HELP ME!!!

XOXO
Sarah

A little bit of everything

So this is new to me. And I am afraid that this could be all over the place. But I have a lot on my mind and so just bear with me. First I will clue you all in on who I really am. I am a conservative, Christian, 21 year old, SAHM. I am very shy, but not when you get to know me. I am outgoing, I love doing new things. I am CRAZY EMOTIONAL, which makes me passionate about the people and things in my life. I am a great friend, but I have few that I hold dear to me. I am loyal to the end. Which has been a down fall of mine. I am just now learning that every once and a while, it is okay to let go. I try to live my life for the Lord, which is not always easy. I fall down and screw up all the time, but that just makes me who I am now! And I can't regret that. I have 2 little boys. Garrett turned 2 October 4th, and Gideon was born on Sept 29th. My children are God's greatest gift to me. Garrett has been there through everything with me. They are one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. All right that is over now...Just thought I should tell you a little of what you are getting yourself into when you read my blog. :)

You know I have learned that marriage is not for push-overs. And let me tell you, as much as I love my husband, it takes a STRONG woman to be married to him. It drives me crazy, because he not only is so attached to his Mom, and brother that it is weird...But he feels the need to try and break you down. And I have to say that I am a little sick of it. You know I know that I am not SKINNY. But I am not unhealthy. And for having 2 kids, one just barely 3 months ago...I think I look pretty darn good. But yet he feels the need to tell me CONSTANTLY, that I need to start working out...or monitors how much I am eating. It is ridiculous. And it is believed that my job as a house wife/SAHM...is to cook, clean, and pleasure him. HAHAHA!!! I know...I laughed too. Because he has told me that, but I also got that speech from his MOM!!! I know it's nuts. Well, our latest adventure has been these last few weeks. My husband seems to think that even though he has worked 2 1/2 days out of the last 3 weeks...we can still buy a house. I am starting to think...it is never gonna happen. But so last night (my husband works nights) before he leaves for work, he tells me that you need to get the kitchen and the living room clean, and go and get groceries. We need Milk, bread, and laundry detergent. I said, "it is snowing and freezing rain out there I am not going anywhere!" He yelled and said that it was not that bad and that I would be fine. So I said "ok. I will go after Garrett wakes up." So I did. I barely made it out of the Fred Meyers parking lot. But I was determined to make it home. And this is all after I called him and said ... "it is really icy, I don't think I can make it home, what do you want me to do?" He told me to go home and that I would be fine. And if I made it there I can make it back, and that I should not have gone out. So I am driving. like 15MPH on a road that is 35. Started stopping for a red light...and it was by God'd grace that no one was around me. I flew into the oncoming traffic lane, I tried to fix myself finally got back on my side of the road flew across the other lane and ran right into the curb. HARD. Mind you I have 2 kids in my back seat. I called him bawling saying I got in an accident I hit the curb and that I was not going to be able to make it home. First thing he asks "Did you hurt the car or the tires?" Yes honey, me and the kids are fine!! He yelled at me. It was stupid. My sister, Shayna...came to my rescue though. Sort of.

I am grateful for my husband. And the rest of my family...But for crying out loud GROW UP!!

The weather is still bad. I have such horrible cabin fever. It is cold in my house, and my kids are both having not the best days. I am still trying to get Garrett to take a nap, Gideon is okay right now...But still. I wanted my sister to come over and watch a movie. But it is once again freezing out there...so no driving for us. If something happens to her...I can't come to her rescue. Tomorrow, I am hoping that we can go get the boys' pictures taken. And Sunday hopefully to see Santa. I still have Christmas cards to mail, and Christmas presents to buy! GAH!! Let's just say...I am not dreaming of a white Christmas. I wish is was 90 degrees and beautiful out!!

Well, I am done for now...I am gonna get carpel tunnel if I keep typing. Thanks for reading.

XOXO
Sarah