Crap about Friends, again!

Friends...SUCK. This is what I have decided. You can never be sure what is going on with them. And usually, you don't know them as well as you think you do. I hate how people can't talk to you in front of your face, but they can stab you in the back. Why can't they just do it to your face...you think it might hurt a little less. I have come to the realization that I have 2 good friends, that are not family. And they are the ones, who I know will always be there for me. But I have also come to know that Blood is thicker than water. And that the people you can usually ALWAYS trust is your family. They will always be there for you. Also if they have a problem with you...they tell you to your face...Which is nice. It might hurt, but at least you know they still care and everything. With friends you don't. Because they can always tell you all this stuff to your face, then end up talking crap behind your back.

It is looking like Gary and I might not be able to get this house now either. But I can't and won't stay in these apartments anymore. To me they are not safe. Not anymore. I care too much about my children to put them at any risk. And here you never know what could happen.

I just need out of here. Away from the drama, and away from the people who are tearing me down.

But I am gonna go to sleep now.

XOXO
Sarah

An Unhappy Ending.

Gary and I are not happy. We have not been for a while. I hope and I pray that this is only because of the stress of having a new baby, a new puppy, and trying to buy a house. And we are so close to getting this house... I am just hoping that we do not get this house...then have to give up.

When Gary and I got back together...at our counseling, we made a promise to each other that just because things are getting hard, we cannot threaten to leave. We need to talk about it, then figure out what is making us feel that way...Lately, that is all Gary has been doing. If I spend too much time with either friends, or family... he says "I am not number one on your list...and if this does not start to change then I am done with all of this." If I don't get the house clean just the way that he likes it..." I'm going to be done with all of this if you don't start showing initive with YOUR job." I understand that I am not the best house keeper...But I try. And I always have my kids clean, and dressed to the tee...and usually myself as well. But he never sees the good. Only the bad.

I just want to say SCREW IT ALL!!! But I don't because I love my husband. I came back to make things work. To make them better. But it is getting hard to even see the use anymore.

Now his family is thinking about coming to help us move, if we get this house. My family is more than capable of helping...why do they need to come to? He knows that all his mother ever does is put me down. Puts how I raise my kids down...and usually, she tells me that I don't keep myself up enough. Because I don't look just like I did when we got married. What is the use of trying around them?

Pray for me. And my unhappy ending.

XOXO

Sarah

I have been having a hard couple of days. I have been having issues with some friends, as you know from my previous post. Life is really hard right now. Gary and I are trying not to murder one another. But letting go of a friendship that has been such a huge part of me changing and becoming a stronger person, is really hard to let go. I am trying...but everyday it is breaking my heart more.

I have also learned some news on one of my other best friends. She is getting a divorce. Her husband is just giving up. After she took him back, after him cheating on her. But now it is her husbands choice. I wish that I could be there for her. I wish that I could hold her and let her cry. But with her so far away, and everything. I can't. I am hoping she can come home on leave soon.

Also, my medicine...is making me hallucinate. I am pretty sure. It is rather frightening, because it usually happens while I am driving.

Garrett and Gideon, are the 2 things that are holding me together. And that is wonderful. I love the fact that I can be with them everyday. Yeah, it gets tough, it gets annoying...but I would not change it for anything in the world.

Oh well, I guess it is just the Bitch of living!!

XOXO

Sarah

Friends...again.

I have learned with a really hard situation...that friends are not always what they seem. They are not always good people. And that sucks. I hate being used. I hate having people treat me like CRAP.

I have to let go. I have to let 3 years of friendship with someone that I really cared about go. But it needs to be done. And it will be.

I just need help. I need people to be there for me. So thanks to all those have been.

XOXO

Sarah

There is a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you decide to quit it is NOT giving up, it is realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring to your life!

"Who are you to judge the life I live?I know I am not perfect & I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean! -Bob Marley"

LOVE??

Love, Love is beginning to be a funny word to me. I am so lost in its meaning anymore. I don't really think it is a good situation when you are starting to forget why you fell in love. And I am trying. Really trying. Gary used to be so different. So happy. Now, he is always upset. And always pissed off about something. I am not even sure What I did anymore. But it is always something. He can never see the positive anymore. Only the negative. That really gets me. I am so in love with him, it is the reason I came back in the first place. But I have to wonder why I did sometimes. My heart always hurts, and it is always breaking. I Don't get it anymore. My life is falling apart. I have everything I want...But not everything I NEED. All I really want is to be loved, and to know that I am loved. Why is it that I cannot get the same thing my parents have?? My mom has never doubted whether or not my dad loved her. Why is it then that I do...That sometimes it would have been better if I stayed gone.

He doesn't even know me anymore. I am a completely different person. I am working on getting myself back. But I am starting to become a pretty strong person, and that is bad. At least to him. I have started to take the time out that I need. When I need a break, or I am getting overwhelmed, I have started to escape. Which he hates, because it puts responsibility on him, and he cannot just sit on the computer and play his games with his brother and cousins and stuff. I just want to yell at him, They are your kids too!! Watch them!! But now, I hardly ask. I just say where I am going and when I will be home.

The only person who can really help me anymore is God, and sometimes it is hard to know when he is there.

XOXO

Sarah

2009, brings new challenges.

So, 2008 has come and gone. And already 2009 is already presenting some new challenges. Things with friends, my marriage, and my children. Gideon, I think has his first cold. This past year has been tough. Gary and I have been back together for a year and a half now. My precious baby Gideon was born on September 29Th. He was a whopping 8 pound 3 ounces and 20 inches long. And the doctor said he was going to be small...HA!!
My sisters, Shayna and Dianna, also had babies this year. The first was Erika Rose. Born in April. Then Connor Matthew, born in November...Just a few weeks after my little Gideon.

We are trying to buy a house. We have found one that we both really like. Gary loves the location...That is the thing I am not very happy about. It is clear out in Molalla. Which puts me a lot closer to Shayna, but a lot farther from my parents, and my friends too. Which totally sucks. I hate it. We are putting a written offer in on it tomorrow. I am ready to be out of the apartments, I have been for a long time. But it is still a scary move. For both of us!!

But the thing that is presenting the biggest challenge is...

My husband, if you don't know him, has made it clear that he wants 2 kids. No more than that...I had Gideon in September. The very end. And now...the scare. I believe that I could be pregnant. I am late, moody, and nauseous all the time. I am happy that this is a possibility...and it will defiantly be the easiest time I have ever gotten pregnant. But my youngest is 3 months. That is a little soon for me. So it is good and bad all at the same time. I am happy and scared too. I finally told Gary about it yesterday... and he FLIPPED OUT!!!! Which is so dumb...I didn't climb on top of myself and get pregnant (if I am)!! But he has been like this with every pregnancy. It has not been easy at all. He acts like it was an accident each and every time. Then he gets all this sympathy from his family...especially his mother. Who all act like I tricked him into it.

I am excited to see what this year brings!! Hopefully it will be easier than the last two!! Well I am going to sign off now.

XOXO
Sarah